Shyness
October 3, 2011 | 
Author Shyness
I have a song in my head today. Who remembers "Ask" by the Smiths? The same song was probably going through my head the first day of my first (and unsuccessful) attempt at graduate school in 1989 (more on that in another post…), so that dates the song, and me, considerably.
The first lines go:
Shyness is nice and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to.
It's a good song – catch it on Itunes – but that's not the point. The point is, it always gets me thinking about the truth in those words. I was a ridiculously shy kid, hiding behind my mother when people would come over to our house. I'm no longer hiding behind mom, but I think about how the vestiges of shyness can derail perfectly good ideas, work opportunities, and potential friendships.
Shyness can be so sneaky that we have no idea it's with us. Not having the energy to do something on your "to do" list, thinking "Oh, I'm sure she's too busy to talk to me now, maybe I'll try again another time," realizing that it's time to clean your bathroom so there's no way you can squeeze in that professional networking meeting tonight – sound familiar? All stalling tactics that may have their root in a fundamental shyness.
I'm an introvert*, and I need lots of alone time – maybe you are, too. I also still feel shy, sometimes – maybe that's true for you as well. But think about an area in your life that could use a little "oomph," a boost out of a rut, and then think about where your energy is leading you. Are you inclined to sit at home and think about it or plan for it, rather than take action? If so (I can relate), what's one thing you might be holding yourself back from on account of shyness, or the reluctance to put yourself "out there" with another person or a group of people? What one thing can you take action on this week to help move you out of the rut and prevent what you really don't want to see happen, letting shyness stop you "From doing all the things in life you'd like to."
*Introversion and shyness are not the same – you can be a non-shy introvert, craving time to chill out alone with a good book but not afraid to strike up conversations when the mood hits you.
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What notes do you hear?
What notes do you hear?
Last weekend, I saw the movie Mozart's Sister. It's a beautifully done period piece set in the time when Wolfgang was 11 years old and his father leads him, his sister, and their mother around Europe to perform for the muckety-mucks and, hopefully, gain commissions to write and perform more music. The focal character in the movie is Wolfgang's sister, Nannerl, who at 15 is a musical genius in her own right. The problem is, she's a girl, and you can probably guess what that means for her musical future in the late 18th century.
One thing Nannerl says in the movie stands out for me in terms of my work. When telling her father that she composed something Wolfgang has been getting credit for, despite her dad's admonitions not to compose anything, she says, "But I hear the notes," and describes how the notes automatically formulate themselves into her compositions within her head. She cannot help it – she cannot keep herself from hearing these notes and listening to the music they combine to create.
Even though we're not all musical whizzes like the Mozarts, we all have these "notes" within that drive us toward the creative endeavors that will most fulfill us. The trouble is that they come from a place of deep intuition, and most of us find that it's hard to tap into that place when we're just trying to get through our daily routines. But by sorting through the mind's chatter and listening to the softer (but often very persistent) voices behind the clutter, we often begin to let creative ideas come up without our having to try very hard.
It's important to keep this in mind In the career development process – what's behind the superficial chatter, and what "notes" make themselves known when you're in a relaxed or restful state?
How to cultivate the "notes?" You don't have to be a musical genius, but you do need to give yourself periods of quality time when you can get out of your normal environment and listen for them. This takes practice and patience, as well as a commitment to letting yourself slow down.
Three essentials for fulfilling work
Three Essentials for Fulfilling Work
A little while back, I read and thoroughly enjoyed Daniel Pink's book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. He talks about the three things everyone needs to thrive at their jobs (and the three things every organization should be sure to cultivate in its workforce): autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Good things to think about in your own career/job search, I'd say.
Most of the people I work with don't have any of these in their current work (that's why they've called a career counselor, I suppose). What about you? Does your current position offer: Autonomy over your time and how you get your work done; the potential to work toward Mastery of challenging projects, tasks, and goals; and an overarching sense of Purpose in the work you do? If you're looking for a new job or career direction, it might be wise to keep these three factors in mind, at least considering their level of importance to you and whether you know where to look for them.
Some questions to ask yourself:
- What puts you in a state of "flow" (complete engagement with what you're doing, so you lose track of time)?
- What gives you a true sense of purpose or meaning?
- What level of autonomy and trust do you need from your employer in order to do your best work?
- What have you taken pleasure in "mastering" (knowing that doesn't mean you're perfect at it, just really good)? What was that mastery process like for you?
- Do you know anyone who seems to have all three of these elements (autonomy, mastery, purpose) in their work life? What have they done to put themselves in this fortunate position? What can you learn from this person's experience?
The pursuit of happiness – for real
The Pursuit of Happiness – For Real
One of the primary reasons people come to career counseling is to take the next step in their personal "pursuit of happiness." From our first days in elementary school, we've been told that this is a noble, fundamental American pursuit. (Historians have debated what Thomas Jefferson meant by happiness – many argue that he meant a "public happiness," the type that one feels when giving to others and to the common good – more on that in this Wikipedia article.)
But what, really, is happiness, and how do we "get" it? That's one of the places where my job as a career counselor becomes very interesting, and tricky – I certainly can't craft anyone else's happiness, and, I would argue, neither can finding that great job. The field of positive psychology describes six "core virtues" that contribute to happiness for most people in most parts of the world (the words in parentheses are measurable character strengths, which can be learned and practiced):
- Wisdom and Knowledge (creativity, curiosity, open-mindedness, love of learning, perspective, innovation)
- Courage: (bravery, persistence, integrity, vitality, zest)
- Love and Humanity (love, kindness, social intelligence)
- Justice (citizenship, fairness, leadership)
- Temperance (forgiveness and mercy, humility, prudence, self control)
- Spirituality and Transcendence (appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, hope, humor, spirituality)
In the mindfulness teachings I've learned and share with others, happiness is developed and practiced as an internal state, removed from such external factors as money, job status, and possessions (I would qualify this by agreeing with the research that indicates our basic needs must first be met – food, shelter, some close relationships with family and/or friends). Mindfulness practice, such as meditation and contemplating gratitude, can elevate one's sense of meaning, put things in perspective, reduce anxiety, and help a person clarify and act upon goals that will lead to increased genuine fulfillment.
In the "The connection between a good job and happiness is overrated" post on her Brazen Careerist blog, Penelope Trunk cites an Economist magazine article defining "The traits of work that makes someone happy":
- stretches a person without defeating him
- provides clear goals
- provides unambiguous feedback
- provides a sense of control
She goes on to emphasize that we can cultivate these qualities in our jobs, rather than needing them as fundamentals from the beginning of our employment. I agree that this is possible, provided there's room for this cultivation (and many workplaces just don't have it). So, the question remains – what is happiness for you, and how do you make sure you maximize your happiness?
You might find some clues above…and don't expect that career counseling will lead to happiness in the obvious ways. In my view, a good job/career match is important, but searching for that elusive "perfect" match can be an exercise in acquisition, which does not lead to genuine happiness. Once you "acquire" that great job, or even that great alternative lifestyle that may be offered by a creative, nontraditional career path, you might find yourself looking for the next thing, wondering why that acquisition did not lead you to daily bliss.
Instead, focusing on the job/career search as it plays into the above happiness indicators, and remembering that it's not the "be all, end all" of your happiness pursuit, is a much more realistic and satisfying attitude to take. And yes, as a career counselor with training in psychotherapy and mindfulness, I can help you cultivate a lasting, genuine happiness. I welcome your comments about happiness – what has made you happy in your life? Which pursuits of happiness have really "worked," and which ones have not lived up to your expectations? Does your job/career make you happy?
